i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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