I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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