if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
