y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
