Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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