"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
