it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
