Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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