I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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