How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
