I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Panties = found
Randomize
