You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
