Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
