I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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