So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
