im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Someone signed my nipple.
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