: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
