I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
