apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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