p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I forget how to act sober
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
