you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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