When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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