$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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