I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
It's official drugs can't kill me
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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