the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
