I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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