Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
