I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
