I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I deserve this hangover.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
