If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
