every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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