I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
only if we run a train.
done.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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