If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
