Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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