my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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