im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
