dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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