it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
