And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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