Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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