I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
