just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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