i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
