i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
