I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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