My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You were trust falling into bushes
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize