just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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