So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
