last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
