I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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