can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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