You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
