o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
