Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
