why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
