my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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