Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
