I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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