I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
