apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
