Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
