Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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