i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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