don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
